I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.