Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft