[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.