If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.