ugh not again
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*