“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You Might Also Like
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I feel seen.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail