“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Ferrari squats
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”