Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.