*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Time heals everything 🙂
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.