goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!