I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
thank god
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Ghost costume 😂