[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Jesus steals the winter solstice
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.