me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
No, he would not have.
Education is vital
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.