I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same