my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
#Caturday
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
im all 3
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”