me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Simple enough.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.