What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
You Might Also Like
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
💻🤡
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
just make the entire table out of coaster
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July