Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND