Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
You Might Also Like
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
estão todos miauvindo?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.