[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”