[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.