The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
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Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”