Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.