[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence