ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
What if all the cashiers are married?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.