*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal