Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I can’t stop watching this.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.