if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Jesus Christ lmao
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that