If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
The future is now.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
NASA has no chill
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.