If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
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Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
This is a whole mood;
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
your honor my client chooses dare
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*