Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Close call…
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Love is in the air fryer.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.