I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.