How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
You Might Also Like
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The glockness monster
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.