If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
✌️
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping