I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”