My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*pokes sex life with a stick
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper