COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
You Might Also Like
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee