Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!