LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Autocarrot sucks!
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣