I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.