[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
You Might Also Like
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“i miss shittin on people”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
classic mixup
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.