“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
huge if true: the moon
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.