No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
they finally got him. they got macavity
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS