They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I hate my earbuds.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies