I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.