What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
#Caturday
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.