Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
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wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
mood
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire