Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Wednesday
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Guantanamo Bae
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Rt to bother an English speaker
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.