Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg