Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
#oldknees
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.